In addition to my journal and this blog, I’ve found my emails with mentors as helpful snapshots of my experience here. In this exchange, I discuss feeling lost and trying to understand what my time here really means.
The original text will be in normal type while my edits, instructions, or commentary will be in italics. I have edited some parts out to respect the privacy of my mentor. This includes my questions and their responses about their work. Heads up, this is a longer read than most posts, but hopefully captures (and answers) some of the complicated feelings of being away from home, trying to figure out your next steps, and making the most of your Fulbright.
Late January:
Dear Wassa,
How is your journey in Cote d'Ivoire developing?
I suspect that you might be entering the stage of your trip in which you move past the persistent discussion in your mind between expectation and reality and are able to more fully embrace the experience for what it is and what it has to teach you - it takes time to arrive - but it is wonderful when you get there. (This was my experience - yours, of course, might be completely different 😆).
Hope you're meeting with much success.
Sending my warmest wishes for 2022!
My Response
Happy New Year! It is so wonderful to hear from you. I hope your holidays were restful and restorative.
Thank you so much for reaching out; I have been terrible at keeping in touch as of late. It's difficult to describe this part of my grant. I've recently realized that I have fewer days ahead of me than have already passed, and it is difficult to not think about what awaits me come June. Most recently, I've spent a good amount of time thinking about law school. The ticking clock makes it challenging to be fully present here.
I am also struggling with purpose. I'm not sure if I've achieved or if I'm even reasonably on track to achieve my goals. One of the most grounding quotes of my life is something taught to me when I was in middle school: "We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit." It has taken on different forms in the past decade, but at its core, the meaning is something that plagues me from time to time. So many of my mentors and colleagues are wonderfully curious about what I'm working on here, but in reality, I haven't been doing much that amounts to anything beyond myself. I teach, volunteer at a woman's reading room, read, and spend time with my friends. These experiences are deeply enriching for me, but I can't say they amount to "work" or anything of substance beyond the people I work with. And I'm unsure if I have an obligation to ensure that it does.
I worry so much about the necessary rest that guides our work, but also the fact that I've been resting since I left Brown, and that I'm afraid I've made a habit of it. I struggle with the idea that maybe I should be pursuing research here or writing op-eds about things I know and have strong opinions on, such as Mali's recent diplomatic blackout and the state's role in the tragic fire in the Bronx. And yet at the same time, I even wonder what my voice alone can/should offer in these conversations, seeing as I am practically vacationing in Ivory Coast and then returning to New York for a cushy job far removed from the people and movements I care so deeply about. Perhaps this is a symptom of mid grant or the elusive early twenties, but I am working to find a solution that makes sense for me and stays true to the message of the Emerson poem. (earlier in our conversation, he shared this poem with me as something to aspire to)
I hope I am not overstepping in sharing this with you, but I imagine you have helpful thoughts. Despite my challenge, I am very happy here, and incredibly grateful for the time I have left.
I hope all is well stateside. Have a good week.
Their Response: this is where it gets a bit complicated to follow. Their response was originally in color and I’ve made it bold here.
Dear Wassa,
Wonderful to hear of your news. My reply is below in color. (bold)
Happy New Year! It is so wonderful to hear from you. I hope your holidays were restful and restorative.
Happy New Year to you too! It sounds as though 2022 will be a big year for you!
Sadly the holidays were work work and more work for me. I am racing to finish the work - so sadly no time to spare. Hopefully, I'll take a minute in summer when it is all finished up.
Thank you so much for reaching out; I have been terrible at keeping in touch as of late. It's difficult to describe this part of my grant. I've recently realized that I have fewer days ahead of me than have already passed, and it is difficult to not think about what awaits me come June. Most recently, I've spent a good amount of time thinking about law school. The ticking clock makes it challenging to be fully present here.
This all makes a great deal of sense to me. You are encountering the very real challenge inherent in a journey with a return date. It is impossible not to hear the drumbeat of the future occasionally calling you on. There is nothing wrong with that at all - and you shouldn't at all feel as though thinking about the future maligns your time there. In fact, what better place to think about the future than when blessed with some space and distance from all that is familiar.
Law School! I'm sure you'd make a very good show of it!
I am also struggling with purpose. I'm not sure if I've achieved or if I'm even reasonably on track to achieve my goals. One of the most grounding quotes of my life is something taught to me when I was in middle school: "We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit." It has taken on different forms in the past decade, but at its core, the meaning is something that plagues me from time to time. So many of my mentors and colleagues are wonderfully curious about what I'm working on here, but in reality, I haven't been doing much that amounts to anything beyond myself.
Throw your goals and the quest for purpose out the window and just live in the moment. I really empathize with this paragraph. There is so much pressure to constantly build our own narrative and chart the path forward. Especially when we are coming from underrepresented communities, or navigating a path forward that no one in our family has traversed before. Most of the pressure comes from ourselves - so much work left to be done! We don't want to let down those whose dreams we carry forward - our families and communities and friends and so on. Nor our mentors and colleagues so generous with their time and cheering us on.
Plus you've just spent 4 years at Brown where all of the other brilliant and driven and marvelous students are constantly asking themselves and each other how they will contribute to the world - it's an enormous pressure students put on themselves to deal with some of the guilt they feel about their privilege. I sense it's a favorite pastime of Brown students and has its purpose for sure - but it's ok to take a break from that constant questioning - even for just a few months.
And it is more than ok to work on yourself. Especially given the wonderful space and freedom that comes with being away from our familiar life. In fact it is an imperative. I agree v. strongly that excellence is a habit - I'm a big believer in the power of habit. But I also know that habit, while delivering and pushing us forward, can also be numbing and boring, and can wear us down. We need to refill the tank on occasion, take some time away from habit, break out of the pattern-making that so often constitutes our lives. If you take nothing away from this email - take this - you'll quickly return to the habit of excellence and onward and upward - the moment you so choose, and you will not miss a beat when you do.
I teach, volunteer at a woman's reading room, read, and spend time with my friends. These experiences are deeply enriching for me, but I can't say they amount to "work" or anything of substance beyond the people I work with.
Sounds absolutely magnificent and a brilliant contribution!! Enjoy!
One of my very favorite photos of myself (as weird as that sounds) is one taken when I was living in [redacted] in 2006. My roommate took the photo as I walked through the door after returning from the supermarket. I'm standing in the doorway with my hands full of grocery bags. I love this photo not because "i look great" in it - but because it represents and reminds me of a joyous period when my concerns were centered on just being - the quotidian - a bag of groceries. What exercise might I do today (I was training to climb a mountain)? What might I cook for dinner? What bar might I meet a friend at tonight? These were the questions that animated my day. I had a job that I had no ambition to turn into a barnstorming career (I was teaching English) and it was divine. Could I have done it forever - unlikely - that pointy ambition that possesses us would likely have protested too much if it carried on longer than the 6 months it did - but that period was one of the happiest of my life - mostly because I dared to stop thinking about the future for the shortest of times.
I know I am contradicting myself now - in paragraph 1 I say - "Go ahead and think about the future if you want!" and here I am saying "Try not thinking about it for a minute." I guess I am saying. - both are more than ok - don't feel any pressure to do either!
My guess is that this time will eventually come to represent the same for you. I encourage you to practice enormous self-love and generosity and have faith in yourself. It's easy to think that if you give yourself a break for just a minute - you might never get back to it. But I assure you that you will. The drive that has carried you to where you are today doesn't evaporate in a month, a season, or even a year. This is its beauty and its challenge. But the more you let go and take the pressure off now - the more effective you will be when the upward and onward continues.
And I'm unsure if I have an obligation to ensure that it does.
Perhaps you are learning that sometimes, nay often, the most meaningful change (or "impact" as people are fond of saying) we can make in the world exists on the small and the personal scale - one or two people's lives, perhaps a group, touched in subtle ways. I'm certain you already appreciate this. Sometimes it is not rebuilding an entire water system of a city, or changing the trade relationship with a whole nation - but putting a book you love in the hands of a women you've met in the community which deepens the bond between them as they discuss it - a bond they put to use to build change long after you've left (I'm making up an example to emphasize my point.) This of course is often hard for us to come to terms with, filled with ambition to help as much as we can and as many as we can. But let me assure you the bigger project and more ambitious the "impact" a project promises the more it is wrapped in bureaucracy and frustrations, and off putting institutional culture, and work politics, and overly-ambitious types...and you lose the human contact and a sense of connectivity to your work and the people you are working with. Let me be clear - both are brilliant - it's just often the case that we can't have both. Making peace with projects on a smaller scale, the scale at which relationships function, is a wonderful thing.
I worry so much about the necessary rest that guides our work, but also the fact that I've been resting since I left Brown, and that I'm afraid I've made a habit of it.
Viva Rest!
I struggle with the idea that maybe I should be pursuing research here or writing op-eds about things I know and have strong opinions on, such as Mali's recent diplomatic blackout and the state's role in the tragic fire in the Bronx.
If you feel like writing about the situation there - do it - but write for yourself. Don't make a chore out of it. Writing an op-ed sounds like a lot of pressure - the antithesis to good writing. Get your thoughts down - if they amount to something - great! - if not - not the end of the world!
If you are thinking about research - perhaps focus on building some relationships that might help with future research - keeping that path wide open.
One thing I would recommend if you aren't already - writing a travel journal for your future self is a wonderful idea. I'm sure you're already doing it. My best advice for a journal is to be very descriptive about the material. The things and people and sounds and sights and smells. The unusual in the material. These are the descriptions you'll treasure in the future. They'll help you recapture the richness of these moments - years from now. My travel diaries are too full of my existential and emotional rants. While these were important and great to look back on, a window into what I was trying to work out in my 20s - oh how I wish I'd have provided some more descriptive stuff to prompt brilliant and colorful memories of the people and places. The descriptive stuff is also much more helpful for a novel or some poetry you might want to write in the future.
And yet at the same time, I even wonder what my voice alone can/should offer in these conversations, seeing as I am practically vacationing in Ivory Coast and then returning to New York for a cushy job far far removed from the people and movements I care so deeply about. Perhaps this is a symptom of mid grant or the elusive early twenties, but I am working to find a solution that makes sense for me and stays true to the message of the Emerson poem.
These are indeed all great questions - and the kinds of questions you should be asking yourself.
Cushy jobs are ok. Or not. You'll work out what works for you I'm certain of it. But it is not a crime to have a cushy job.
I hope I am not overstepping in sharing this with you, but I imagine you have helpful thoughts.
Not at all! I appreciate you sharing your journey with me. Please take my helpful or not-so-helpful thoughts with a grain of salt - your journey is your own.
Thank you to this mentor for not only sharing their kind words but also their generosity in letting me share this with all of you!
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